MICRO-REVIEW: New Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers & It’s Hugging Time: The NFL Draft!

JFG Nation, tonight is Day 1 of the NFL Draft, which, for sports nerds like me, is a big deal. Why? Two reasons:

A) Because I want to see how long Roger Goodell, the commish of the NFL, hugs these rookies. No, seriously. College football players getting drafted into the NFL is an understandably big moment, and these guys are clearly overwhelmed with emotion – and who welcomes them into the league? THE GINGER HAMMER. Bro hugs abound when names are called, and some of these men embrace Roger Goodell like Rose and Jack: “NEVER LET GO, ROGER. I PROMISE I DON’T USE PEDs.”

Deadspin does a great job of timing out how long these guys embrace – they did it in 2012 and they did it last year. Melvin Gordon hugged for over 11 seconds last year. ELEVEN SECONDS! That’s borderline assault, Flash. There’s laws against that ish.

B) For the remaining 80% of why I will be watching, see the epic I wrote last year – every word is still true and holds up:

Junk Food Nation, tomorrow night is the first round of the NFL Draft, which, for many of you, is a non-event. SOME of you care out there, however – 32 million people watched the first round last year. 32 MILLION. That’s more than the Walking Dead Season 5 premiere viewership, more than Game of Thrones viewership, and more than even the highest rated World Series game EVER. That’s how big football has grown. Where more people turn out to see a hiring process than the actual championship game of OTHER sports.

But why? Why do so many tune in to watch? Putting aside that, first, people are HUGE fans of football, the draft is seen unreasonably as a window into future hope for a football franchise. Most fan debates over a team’s future begin with, “If only we had a [insert position / type of person / robot brand name], WE’D BE AWESOME.” And, in football, it is sometimes true – a QB, for example, can turn a team around completely (Andrew Luck), or can submarine them (Rob Johnson). As a result, the NFL Draft is picked over, obsessed over, looked at with such scrutiny that, for the non-fan, the whole exercise is completely ridiculous.

The NFL Draft is a televised spectacle of, essentially, daydreams and maybes. Once a player is picked by a team, the imaginations begin: “OOOOO HE COULD BE GOOD.” “Oh, imagine how he’ll do in Week 4?” “Dude, that guy’s head is huge. THAT’S A GOOD FOOTBALL HEAD.” Could you imagine this in any other realm? It’d be like watching an episode of Chopped or Top Chef where the entire show is ONLY the shopping for the ingredients. “OH SNAP HE BOUGHT SNAP PEAS. IMAGINE WHAT THOSE COULD BE MADE INTO.” “Oh, sh*t, did she just pick up Mirin? GAME CHANGER.”

Or what if this was how actual employment fields worked? Would Apple and Google fight over top draft picks coming from the Comp Sci world? “Well, you know, Jim, Apple wanted Susan from MIT, but Google got her. Looks like that Watch 2’s gonna be delayed for a couple years.” Or lawyers? “You know Bob, I think the pro-water rights lobby just got a sleeper when they drafted Mike, there. He was a bit slow in his first year Con Law class, but DO YOU SEE HIS HEAD? THAT’S A GOOD PRO WATER HEAD.”

As absurd as these situations seem, the way that the NFL Draft works DOES play out in other places in the real world already. Anyone who is familiar with the hospital matching process knows that it’s more or less a draft of graduating med students by hospitals. Some med students don’t “match,” and have to find opportunities elsewhere. We already have a televised show where they announce Oscar nominations. NOT THE WINNERS, mind you – that comes somewhere else. But a show to announce the nominations for the categories. Oh, and people watch it – just ask the 400 million Twitter peeps who angrily reacted when the Lego Movie wasn’t nominated for best cartoon. WHAT A TRAGEDY.

So yes, tomorrow night, I will be one of the millions watching the NFL Draft, even though my Bills don’t have a first round pick. Winston vs. Mariota! How far will Leonard Williams fall? WHY DID THE JETS CHOOSE *THAT* GUY? And can Roger Goodell actually hug someone on stage for more than a minute? All these things will be analyzed by ESPN and NFL Network until we puke. Next year: a show where fans watch other fans watch the NFL Draft. It’s coming. I promise.

Your thoughts, JFG Nation? Will you be watching the draft? Or will you be doing something productive with your life, like LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. Let me know in the comments below.

Today’s junk food: New Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers!!

New Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers: The Money Shot

New Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers: The Money Shot

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New Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers

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I haven’t reviewed a TON of Honey Maid graham crackers on this site, so these New Honey Maid Vanilla Graham Crackers are a bit of a departure for me. I love graham crackers, especially the cinnamon ones, but vanilla? Intriguing.

The crackers themselves didn’t smell different…I got that slight honey graham aroma I was used to. The surface of the cracker was loaded with what looked like little sugar granules. They looked a lot like cinnamon graham crackers without the cinnamon – just a healthy dosing of sugar all over the place.

Biting into one, I got a definite vanilla-birthday-cake-y flavor….for about 1 second. Then, as soon as I chewed and my saliva melded into the cracker, the whole thing just changed back into a sweet graham cracker flavor. Like, it just tasted like a graham cracker dipped in sugar. Which is GREAT, but nothing special. Perhaps the vanilla “flavor” helped soften the sugar – gave it a little bit of a rounder taste, not just overtly SWEET. But this didn’t taste like a graham dipped into vanilla icing or anything. Outside of the first taste on my tongue, these were just sweet grahams.

But who am I kidding? I ate like 12 sheets of crackers before I knew what was happening. Sweet grahams taste GOOD, and I would destroy this box over and over again. But if you’re looking for something TRULY SPECIAL with the vanilla flavor, I’d say meh. Look somewhere else.

PURCHASED AT: Safeway, Chevy Chase, DC

COST: $3.50 on sale

Thoughts? Please comment below or hit me up on Twitter @junkfoodguy or LIKE my Facebook Page and message me there. I also have Google+!! Let’s hang out.

Sincerely,

The JFG

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Discuss - 3 Comments

  1. Marc P says:

    I LOVE the draft, I am such a tool.
    I always look forward to hope with the Dolphins (come on Zeke this year) but their recent sloppiness, especially the punk Suh, has me a bit down on them.

    But draft still fun to watch – I even know a degenerate who has a tendency to wager on the draft – a guy whose name rhymes with Narc T,

  2. Sarah says:

    Um….why isn’t vanilla one of the ingredients?.? That might have helped a bit…

  3. MP says:

    I followed the online ticker in the background to see how the Bears would blow their pick. Once they were done, I closed the tab. I can’t stand the sight of that extortionist Goodell. Was really hoping for a QB but fine with the OLB. I won’t check the draft again until it’s over & go, “oh.”
    Honestly I never even thought to follow MLB, NBA or NHL drafts. NFL draft is probably a bigger deal than it needs to be.

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