Review (x4): New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations (Root Beer Float, Mocha Chunk, Mint Chocolate Chip, Dulce De Leche) & WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM, DUTCH SPEEDSKATING COACH
Junk Food Nation, last night the Winter Olympics ended, and good thing too – I was starting to reach Olympic exhaustion. I enjoyed every bit of the last two weeks, always having something reliable to watch when I got home, but man… I felt like my eyes were going to roll back into my head, watching thirty bobsleds run the same track over and over.
The USA ended with 28 medals, second to Russia, and fourth in Golds overall. A decent showing, and I’m proud of all those athletes. There were some disappointments (hockey, speed skating), but my attitude is, whatever, we’ll get ‘em in 2018. On to the next. So imagine my surprise/anger when I saw Dutch speedskating coach Jillert Anema on CNBC talking about why America sucks:
First, the reasonable response: Look, I understand what he’s basically trying to say. He’s saying that because our best athletes go into professional sports like football, it’s no wonder that they don’t show up in speed skating. And that makes sense – if all the Lebrons, Calvin Johnsons, Mike Trouts of the US played soccer, for instance, instead of basketball, football, and baseball, then yes – we might win all the World Cups. So his point is that our best athletes don’t go into the sports that are featured at the Olympics, and until that changes, we will be behind countries that DO focus their energies to those sports. Fine. Good.
And now, my gut response: WHAT. THE. EFF. Are you KIDDING me, Jillert?? I will kick you in the calves and NOT apologize, you DICK. Let’s break down your comments:
“You have a lot of attention for a foolish sport like American football…” Foolish sport?? OH I’M SORRY WE AREN’T WATCHING MEN IN SKATES GO IN A CIRCLE FOR 60 SECONDS AT A TIME. I’m sorry that I’d rather watch a team sport that gives a lot of cities pride rather then guys in spandex GO ROUND AND ROUND IN A CIRCLE.
“You waste a lot of athletic talent…” Waste? By having them play football RATHER than speed skate? That’s a waste? Jillert, you know what’s fun? Going out into the yard and throwing a ball around. Pretending that you’re Barry Sanders. Watching little kids go nuts over high school football games. Eating an endless bowl of bubbling cheese on Super Bowl Sunday. You know what’s NOT fun? LIVING IN SOME WACKO REALITY WHERE THE ONLY FUN IS MANDATED TO BE SKATING IN A CURVED LINE WITH NO INTERACTION WITH OTHERS. CREATIVITY IS EVIL! DEVIATION WILL BE OPPRESSED! SINGULARITY IS TO BE WORSHIPPED. You lunatic.
“Because you’re so narrow minded, and then you want to compete against the world, but you waste a lot of good talent in a sport that sucks.” Narrow minded is thinking that speed skating is the ultimate in professional sports. Jillert, you maniac. I WILL PUNCH YOU. FOOTBALL SUCKS?? WHEN’S THE LAST TIME ANYBODY CARED ABOUT SPEED SKATING EXCEPT FOR THESE TWO WEEKS, YOU FOOL??
“Americans always believe they are right, always believe that they are the best…” That’s it. I can’t even make it to the 1:20 mark of the video without wanting to throw my computer through the window. What the hell is this guy’s problem?? Look, I have been critical of the US, in other situations, of being too nationalistic and that attitude clouding international diplomatic relations. But this?? This is just drivel spewed by some random dude who apparently felt like he finally had a platform that the message boards at ESPN.com weren’t giving him. OH I’M SORRY WE ONLY INVENTED ESPN AND THE INTERNET, TOO, JILLERT. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Am I overreacting? Tell me in the comments below. Also, let me know if there is other BS in that video that missed – I swear I couldn’t get past the first minute and change without wanting to PUNCH EVERYTHING AROUND ME.
Today’s junk food: New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Cookies!
New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Cookies were mentioned on the last Nosh Show…wait, you didn’t listen to my last podcast? The Nosh Show? The podcast that was started by Marvo from The Impulsive Buy, featuring Ryan from GrubGrade, and Dubba from On Second Scoop, and, of course, me, your friendly neighborhood Junk Food Guy? No?
Well, you’re in luck – you can listen to it right here:
So, did you hear us talk about these? Good – back to the review. Anyways, these new four flavors of Chips Ahoy! are called, “Ice Cream Creations,” which is weird because it’s not like any of these flavors, except for the Root Beer Float, is necessarily only associated with ice cream. Plus, except for Root Beer Float, neither of the other three flavors is really that new. I’m not sitting here thinking, “HOLY S* MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP?? Did they…did they just come up with that???”
So I’m going to review all four flavors, but I’m going to start with the only one that anyone is even remotely curious about. You know it, and I know it. Up first: New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Root Beer Float Cookies!
When I first opened the package of New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Root Beer Float Cookies, the smell that wafted up was, indeed, root beer. Not super strong, but not faint – just a good smell of root beer. Not quite a sarsaparilla.
I bit into the cookie, and the dough, by itself was very bland. Soft and full of preservatives. It was clear that the flavor was in the chips. So I crammed the whole into my mouth and chewed – and there was indeed a root beer flavor! I was floored.
The vanilla chips were creamy, giving the cookie that inkling of “float” flavor, but the root beer chips, whatever they were, indeed gave off a root beer flavor. The crushed chips sort of mixed with my saliva to form a root beer-ish syrup that mixed well with the sweet but otherwise bland cookie. It tasted like I had dipped a cookie into a glass of root beer. Not a strong taste, but to me, an unmistakable one.
Despite the look of the chips, there was no chocolate flavor. The flavor was almost SO root beer like, it trended toward an almost-strong-spearmint flavor. If you’re familiar with root beer, you know what I mean…the two flavors are very close.
These were odd tasting, but I liked them. Nice job, Chips Ahoy!
Next up: New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Mocha Chunk Cookies!
The open package of New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Mocha Chunk Cookies smelled faintly like coffee….sort of like tiramasu, to be honest. The coffee smell was very faint, but it was there, and very sweet.
Taking a bite into this cookie, the dough by itself was very bland…but as soon as my teeth started to mash up the chips and my tongue crushed the mixture against the roof of my mouth, the mocha flavor REALLY took over. These ultra soft preservative filled cookies definitely captured the flavor of mocha without problem – full of chocolaty, coffee flavor. Pretty tasty, once everything mixed together.
Next up: New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Mint Chocolate Chip Cookies!
Opening the package of these New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Mint Chocolate Chip Cookies, I was immediately struck by the mint chocolate smell. It was really strong, as if I was sniffing a box of Thin Mints, Andes Candies, etc. I knew that these would be tasty. I happen to love chocolate and mint together.
I nibbled some of the dark brown cookie part – like the other two cookies, it was BLAND BLAND BLAND. I don’t know what the deal is, Chips Ahoy! The dough this time wasn’t even sweet…just soft and buttery. Cookie alone was a big zero. But once I stuffed the whole cookie into my mouth and chewed the chocolate and mint chips, the smile on my face grew. The mint chocolate chip flavor was amazing, and reminded me of a soft Thin Mint cookie. The mint chips played a huge part in all this – nice and sweet and refreshing.
Finally: New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Dulce De Leche Cookies!
These New Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Dulce De Leche Cookies were the only one of the new four flavors that was NOT chewy. These were crunchy….the open package smelled a lot like standard butter cookies than anything else. I did get a faint sniff of caramel, but mostly the smell of sweet butter filled my nostrils.
I crunched into them, and they tasted good – a nice, sweet, buttery cookie, with hints of caramel here and there. The cookie was SORT of caramel-y, but honestly, not enough to remind me of the nice creamy dulce de leche I’m used to. I don’t know why they decided to make this a crunchy cookie; I feel like the soft creaminess of dulce de leche would’ve been better served in a soft chewy cookie. The taste was fine – but I’m not sure if it accomplished its goal as the other three did.
SO, in sum, if you’re interested in the Root Beer Float cookies, I highly recommend trying them. The Mint Chocolate Chip and Mocha Chunk cookies are also tasty. Avoid Dulce De Leche.
PURCHASED AT: Walmart
COST: $2.00 on sale each
Junk Food Guy