Review: Doritos Incognita & Waiter, Could I Get Some More STFU For Lance Armstrong, Please?
So, Junk Food Nation, what’s the biggest story in sports this week? If you said its Rafael Soriano joining the Washington Nationals, I’d give you a pat on the back. But it’s not – it’s the “revelation” that apparently Lance Armstrong was doping all these years, and admitted as much in an interview with Oprah recently. And I, for one, am shocked. Really? In other news, it turns out rain is wet, fire is hot, Daniel Day-Lewis is a good actor, and yo mamma actually IS fat.
When Lance was stripped of his Tour De France wins back in August, I thought this saga would be over. But then Lance had to be a jerk and poke the sleeping bear, going on Twitter to post a picture of himself lounging with all his yellow jerseys behind him. “YOU CAN TAKE AWAY MY TITLES, BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY THESE JERSEYS! THEY WERE WON WITH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS, DAMN YOU. And by blood I mean super-oxygenated blood I pumped into my veins from my own transfusion machine BUT STILL!!!!!”
Lance’s admission interview with Oprah is airing on OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network) on Thursday at 9pm with part 2 on Friday. When I heard this, I legitimately searched my cable channels for OWN for a good seven minutes. I scrolled through that blicky three times (we’re talking hundreds of channels), before I finally found OWN on the non-HD grouping of networks. YUCK. Non-HD??? What is this, 1990? How does Oprah Winfrey not have an HD channel? SHE’S WORTH 2.7 BILLION DOLLARS. Can we spend a few sheckles on some HD cameras?
The admission is fueled in part by Lance wanting to compete in Elite Triathlons, which his current USADA ban also applies to, which apparently was news to him. “You mean the rule against using drugs in sports applies to ALL sports, not just cycling?? Since WHEN?” Lance flew to have a sit down with the head of the USADA, Travis Tygart, and beg for a reduction in ban. Rightfully so, Mr. Tygart channeled John Boehner and told Lance to go eff himself. The best part of the meeting:
When Mr. Armstrong told Mr. Tygart that he held the keys to his own redemption, said one person with knowledge of the meeting, Mr. Tygart responded: “That’s b—.” He told Mr. Armstrong that all he wanted to do was figure out a way to compete again. Mr. Armstrong shot back that he would compete in unsanctioned races, hurled a profanity, and walked out.
Slow clap to Mr. Tygart for telling Lance to suck it! And to think, all of this may not have happened if Lance Armstrong hadn’t been a COMPLETE AND UTTER DICK to all his teammates who ended up ratting him out in resentment. Yeah, that’s right Lance. The lesson learned is when you’re not such an asshole, people try to trip you down a flight of steps less.
Today’s junk food: Doritos Incognita!
Doritos Incognita!!! Another wacky junk food flavor I found in Mexico. The first thing you’ll notice is the random plastic strip across the front of the bag, advertising some sort of Angry Birds Space Edition fun disc prize inside the bag. I must say, that is one small improvement – even if its a prize I’ll never use, IT’S STILL A PRIZE! Even if it IS Angry Birds, which I have downloaded on my phone but never play. Seriously. I haven’t played it in like three years. Is Angry Birds still a thing?
Doritos Incognita has very little info on the web, but just looking at the bag it looks like it’s some kind of mystery flavor product. See, if you focus in on the bag…
…you see that there’s a bunch of ingredients pictured with a huge question mark on it. OOOOOOO what do these Doritos Incognita taste like? Are they good? Are they bad? (Please let them be good).
Doritos Incognita has chili and spices…well, that’s no help.
Er…so…”ay ay if if we change our image with the same taste that beats you!” Ugh, Google Translate, you suck.
Alright, enough of the snark. It’s time to taste…let’s crack this baby open…
I opened this bag of Doritos Incognita…and wow. Wow. These smelled …not great. They didn’t smell like cheese or chilies ..they sort of smelled like …sour. How can something smell sour? These smelled sour. Sort of like citrus. Plus the color of the Doritos – a weird brownish purple, was VERY unexpected. Ooof. You gotta be kidding me with this BS.
I took a bite of these Doritos Incognita and almost spit them out. These were awful. I had my friend Adam try them, and he immediately agreed, deadpan: “Yeah…those aren’t good.” Ugh.
To put it plain and simple, these tasted like a combo of lime and anise. Seriously. It was like chewy on a bay leaf – these were really tangy, really anise-y, and had a slight chili powder flavor. But mostly, I tasted overpowering bay leaf / anise flavor. GROSS. ”With Chili and Spices” was misleading. These did not taste like chili/lime chips.
Doritos, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THESE CHIPS IN MEXICO!? These were not good. The same company that makes the wonderful Enchilada Supreme Doritos JACKED makes this crap? CONSISTENCY, PLEASE.
I did not buy these again, and would not. There was no flavor packet in these, thankfully. Avoid.
PURCHASED AT: OXXO store in Mexico
COST: about $1.50
Junk Food Guy