You Know It’s The Holidays When…

Junk Food Nation, I’m rushing around in my attorney persona today, doing trial things and whatnot, so I have to make this brief, unfortunately.  My buddy Joe recently sent me and email that just said, “Yup, it’s Christmas. Gross.”

Attached was the following picture:


GAAAAAH!  Seltzer water that tastes like EGGNOG!?  Have we learned nothing from the failed Crystal Pepsi experiment???

And yes, this commercial, which looks like it was pieced together using a VHS recorder and some clip art from Microsoft Paint, was an actual national advertisement back in the day.  The funny thing was Pepsi tried to market Crystal Pepsi as having less preservatives, as being more refreshing, as being BETTER for you – when it was probably more toxic than ever!  Ugh.  “Mommy, drinking this Crystal Pepsi makes my soul hurt.”

That’s what makes this Polar Seltzer ever more disturbing – Crystal Pepsi failed because, for the most part, people realized that clear liquids that still taste like a certain flavor ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD AND MUST BE BANISHED TO MORDOR.  So when Polar, in 2012, makes clear fizzy liquids that taste like Mint Chocolate, Butter Rum, and Egg Nog? *shuddering* There’s some agenda Polar has here, and I don’t know what it is.  But it’s evil.  I’m almost positive.

I rarely turn down junk food abominations, but clear liquids like these weird me out.  What about you?

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Junk Food Guy

Discuss - 20 Comments

  1. Echo710 says:

    I respectfully disagree with you about Crystal Pepsi… that stuff was AWESOME. I want it back.

    That “egg nog” flavored seltzer, however, is scary-looking. That is a thing that just should not be. In fact, pretty much all of the flavors in the above photo weird me out a little bit.

    • junkfoodguy says:

      @Echo: You know I often wonder if I’d like Crystal Pepsi today…it’s been so long. But then I wonder if I think it would taste just like Sprite or something. Maybe years from now they will reveal that Sierra Mist was Crystal Pepsi ALL ALONG! GBWAHAHAHA

  2. Junk food abominations should be one of your tags! I think you’ve reviewed several things that fit, no?

  3. Kahnfucius says:

    I always liked Crystal Pepsi but never liked regular Pepsi. Was I tricked by the lack of color?

  4. Shorneys says:

    No love for the SNL “Crystal Gravy” ad?

  5. Albany Dana says:

    Per their website there is also supposed to be cinnamon, candy cane, pumpkin spice, and granny smith apple (acting all normal like the vanilla pear in that picture is normal compared to its weird cousins around it). As unappealing as these sound to slurp, I think they’re going for the mixer market more than anything, especially since they have a couple of pages of recipes with the press release announcing them. Unlike Jones where you’re just supposed to give them money to be grossed out by unfathomable flavors on their own.

  6. Nick Rovo says:

    Boston cream pie flavored seltzer water…what sort of black magic is this?

    • junkfoodguy says:

      @Nick Rovo: I have to imagine with all these “zany” flavors that many of them just start tasting similar…boston cream pie soda probably just tastes like cream soda…

  7. Elisa says:

    I’ve had other Polar products–couldn’t escape seeing the name (or the polar bear) as a college student in MA. I believe they’re based in CT.
    Oh, do I remember the Crystal Pepsi! It didn’t last long.

  8. Will says:

    I totally forgot about crystal Pepsi. I don’t even remember how it tasted. Those seltzer waters just look weird. I won’t be trying that.

  9. Mary says:

    I am ri-fucking-diculously excited about these. I love seltzer and I love strange flavors. Goddamn this is awesome.

  10. Jes says:

    I read a review on Serious Eats he said they were good he thought eggnog tasted like baseball card bubblegum though

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