Holiday Candy Extravaganza 2! (a.k.a. Things Not Worth Individual Reviews) & Tebow Mic’d!
Junk Food Nation, before we get into my second post about random holiday candy, I wanted to mention that the other night, the NFL Network replayed the recent Chicago Bears – Denver Broncos game, only this time they had Tim Tebow wearing a microphone the whole game and would play in-game snippets of his audio throughout the game. In a word: RIVETING. Look, if you’ve been following the Tebow story, you already know all the buzz phrases: his incredible will to win, his religious zeal, his qauerback vs. running back style of play. But the one thing this audio revealed (which you kind of predicted) was his incredible positivity during the game itself:
After Demaryius Thomas dropped a pass, there was Tebow on the sideline, clapping him on the shoulder cooing, “Don’t worry man, because you’re gonna catch the game winner next time.” Before the game started, Tebow to his teammates “Stick together, all 60 minutes.” Tebow singing Christian rock during warmups, Tebow praying before, during, and after the game. Tebow chatting about fishing in Florida with Lance Briggs before the game. Tebow complimenting Brian Urlacher on a good play. Tebow firing up his teammates, and his teammates’ audio showing their support.
Look, I know Tebow rubs people the wrong way sometimes, and it seems you either love him or you hate him. But after hearing some of this audio, I am convinced that whatever you think of his “act,” it’s not an act – it’s just who he is. He represents 100% effort, 100% devotion to his beliefs, and 100% positivity. When you hear him talking in the huddle, you hear the “leader” in his voice, but it’s kid-like as well – he talks as if he’s taking his flag football team down the field, not the Denver Broncos.
It really is riveting – you gotta hear it. And can someone please trade him to me Buffalo Bills? Argh.
Let’s get into the Holiday Candy Extravaganza 2! This is all stuff I discovered at my local CVS, who has had holiday stuff up since Nov. 1.
This gigantic chocolate reindeer head on a stick was, in fact, gigantic. Bigger than my hand, this is a parent’s nightmare – as the child starts earring this, there is a 100% chance half of it, soaked with saliva, will end up on the ground, ruining everything.And by the way, Balmer’s – I see the reindeer, I see the Santa cap, I get the antlers – but are those supposed to be colored lights/bulbs in the reindeer’s antlers? So. Weird.
I thought this one was really visually pretty – albeit kind of scary too. It’s basically a skewer through the heads of a snowman, Santa, and a squashed Christmas tree. Plus, that much food coloring in decorating three marshmallows guarantees my cookie with be rainbowesque. Still, the thing felt spongy and pleasant, and I admired the candy maker’s ingenuity in constructing this snack.
A jelly candy skewer! This REALLY caught my eye. Like the marshmallow skewer, this one required some talent to put together. From bottom to top, you have a stocking, a wreath, and then a chimney with a creepy looking Santa on top. The attention to detail was impressive, because, c’mon, it’s friggin jelly candy. Gumdrop art is highly underrated.
Charms cotton candy snow balls?? I’m pretty sure that this is just a bag of uncolored cotton candy, wrapped into balls. Really, Charms? This is the ultimate in non-effort – I can’t believe this. And what’s with the random cartoon characters?? What’s that green one, bottom right, supposed to be??
A trend I saw last year: candy coal for a kid’s stocking! Personally, I think it’s a great idea. This version is (I’m guessing), chocolate coal with rice crisps wrapped up in black foil, and places in this bag. Although the tagline, “Being naughty never tasted so nice!” I guess that makes sense as a joke…although that sounds more like a tagline for some kind of flavored sex toy.
Another (creepier) version of candy coal – this coal bubblegum! Pieces of black bubblegum sound really unappealing to me, but whatever. There’s nothing little kids like more than running around with black or blue teeth, am I wrong? Still, I am disconcerted by the random apostrophe placement on the box, and have to ask: Doesn’t Santa go HO HO HO? Why the EFF does the box say HA HA HA then??
Ah, Peeps. You’re just trying to take over every holiday, aren’t you? One tip: if you’re gonna make Snowman Peeps in the future, please move the placement of what I can only assume is supposed to be a cane – because it looks like a schlong. An erect one. Thanks.
Tree Peeps are, in my estimation, just not a very good use of Peeps technology. With Bird Peeps or Snowman Peeps, etc., you get the satisfaction of biting off the head of the animal, shape, etc. Who wants to replicate eating trees when eating candy? I’m not vegetarian in real life, so why should my candy life be any different. Give me more meat-related Peep shapes!
You know, Black Licorice Scottie Dogs actually sound pretty tasty, even though this is also clearly old man candy. Can’t you just see your grandfather offering a bowl…of black licorice pieces…shaped like tiny dogs?? If this doesn’t scream geriatric, I dunno what does. Plus, I’m not really sure what little dogs have to do with the holidays, but I like the look of the bag with the deep green and snowflakes. On Gimbal’s website, it looks like they offer Licorice Scotties year-round. Awesome.
There’s more random candy out there, I’ll try to hit up Round Three sometime before Dec. 25. Have a good Saturday everyone!
Sincerely, Junk Food Guy